In what can only be called a stunning mix up, Governor Jindal’s cheeky op-ed lampooning his own reign as Governor, the conservative movement, and the national Republican Party, was mistakenly published in pages of Politico. Jindal’s political adviser, Timmy Teepell, confirmed for the ‘Fish* that the Op-Ed was originally sent to the editors of The Onion, a national media outlet that covers politics satirically.
In hopes of bringing this Op-Ed to the attention of a wider audience in Louisiana, we here at the ‘Fish are graciously reprinting excerpts.
The satirical nature of the Op-Ed is clear from the beginning paragraph, as Jindal begins to admonish the party he’s referred to as “the Stupid Party”:
But excessive navel gazing leads to paralysis. At present it looks as if the entire Republican party needs to go to counseling. It’s really getting embarrassing, all these public professions of feelings of inadequacy. Every day it seems another jilted high-placed Republican in Washington is confessing to the voters; “It’s not you, it’s me…”
…The overall level of panic and apology from the operative class in our party is absurd and unmerited. It’s time to stop the bedwetting.
Jindal continues on his hilarious rant, taking on the persona of a “tough” truth-teller. We commend him for his grasp of irony! What a wit:
Let’s stop defeating ourselves, get on offense, and go kick the other guys around. If you’ve followed the news over the past month, they are certainly asking for it. We are the conservative party in America — deal with it. We have a lot of dissenting voices. So what? Deal with it. The American public waxes and wanes. Fine. It will wax again soon enough. Deal with it, and start fighting for our principles instead of against them, so we can be in position to create the next wave.
At some point, the American public is going to revolt against the nanny state and the leftward march of this president. I don’t know when the tipping point will come, but I believe it will come soon.
Here, Jindal satirizes his own dismal performance in Louisiana, analogizing his pitiful fall over his unpopular and unworkable policies with a mythical “revolt” against the mythical “leftward march” of the country. Too funny!
Jindal ends by doubling the reader over in laughter at his list of things “the left” supposedly wants:
Because the left wants: The government to explode; to pay everyone; to hire everyone; they believe that money grows on trees; the earth is flat; the industrial age, factory-style government is a cool new thing; debts don’t have to be repaid; people of faith are ignorant and uneducated; unborn babies don’t matter; pornography is fine; traditional marriage is discriminatory; 32 oz. sodas are evil; red meat should be rationed; rich people are evil unless they are from Hollywood or are liberal Democrats; the Israelis are unreasonable; trans-fat must be stopped; kids trapped in failing schools should be patient; wild weather is a new thing; moral standards are passé; government run health care is high quality; the IRS should violate our constitutional rights; reporters should be spied on; Benghazi was handled well; the Second Amendment is outdated; and the First one has some problems too.
This paragraph alone should win some sort of comedy writing award! The compilation of strawmen and red herring arguments is impressive!
“The world is flat,” certainly rings the irony bell, as Jindal himself may not even agree with evolution! Classic irony!
And pornography? From the Governor of the state that houses New Orleans and the Senator who whores around? Great one!
Or the Governor of one of the fattest states in the nation trumpeting the consumption of mega-gulps and trans-fat?? Wow, a doozy!
While this didn’t make the pages of the Onion this time, we’re confident that by spreading this Op-Ed as far and as wide as possible, we’ll accomplish his satirical goals! Great work, Gov.
*Teepell didn’t confirm anything to us. Just joking!